misunderstandings are inevitable in relationships.
We got ups and downs but he can’t handle the latter successfully. he said he got a weak heart especially because it’s his first time to fall in love. he left me. but after i guess the whole night, he asked me return. i was so depressed because i value him so much already but the fact that he can’t fight for me or even bothered to solve the problem first before giving up lessened my feelings for him. idk if it really has been lessened or it just messed the whole thing up. we aren’t / weren’t officially together. we broke up due to some circumstances but we’re still harmonious. if i’m going to view it on a third-person perspective para kaming MU/nagliligawan ngayon.
last friday, 8th of July, he baked some bread for me. we talked for a while and settled things up. i saw so much sincerity. i can’t even look at his eyes directly because i was melting. i feel weak whenever i look at those teary pupils. Well, like most of the other girls, i value my pride. However, that spirit of guilt and so much regret softened my hard heart. i was actually an impatient and bossy person. i scold people especially when they’re late but to him, idk why but i’m fucking patient. of course i dislike his tardiness but that smile takes every anger away. i feel like i want to spend more happy times with him than bringing up his tardiness issue. Nevertheless, he promised to be punctual from now on. He also swore to be more open and to be more versatile in balancing his priorities :) like most other girls still, i gave him another chance.
currently, we’re working it out now. it’s fun and light. though we don’t mandate responsibility on one another, we’re happily contented. i want to establish a great friendship before anything else. yesterday, 15th of July, we went to SM Manila and spent some time together. well, we misunderstood each other for a while but it turned out to be great :) i had fun. until now, i’m smiling. well, it’s not that significant but his presence next to mine is already a complete day. he’s so cute and adorable but i want to know him more, dig deeper into that secured and dormant personality. i want to love him not because of his appearance but much greatly because of his heart. i got irritated to him most of the times because he don’t share much. “privacy” as he says but i hate it. i’m the type of girl who likes to listen. an eager inquirer that wants to know every detail. i like listening more than talking. i actually hate my voice but because of every girl’s nature, i can’t help but chat. i hope we’ll get to be more intimate.
optimistic and in love :)
i rendered my community service today. i had to gather 50 signatures for the 2-page anti-landmine campaign. last night, i set my alarm to 6:00am but i woke up by 5:45. i was sooo excited!! i really want to see him so badly. it’s been 5 weeks since we last saw each other. we met by 9:20am and headed our way together to the school through a bus. he got his new hairstyle. he is oh so drop dead handsome!!! i can’t help but to stare at him. :3
he helped me out completing the papers :) by 12 we’re done but the OSACS was at lunch break. we dined at chowking then return to school for its submission. by 1pm we chatted at the freedom park/tamaraw plaza. the wind was nice, the atmosphere was light. i showed him the things i was treasuring way back then :DD -the one-peso coin he gave that i kept for 3 years already :D i also had the box of the food he gave me when we were at our senior year field trip. i secretly like him so much way back then. only my bestfriend knows it :DD i didn’t bother to tell him i like him before. he was so popular and i was intimidated. so many girls were running after him. i was not pretty before and i may still not be today but i can say i improved a lot :D i regard to it much like a resemblance of p’nam and p’shone’s situation on the crazy little thing called love :D i’m so glad i kept all those stuff :3 may pupuntahan din pala :D
we held hands as we rode the fx. by 3pm i’m already home :) the time we had was short but i enjoyed it a lot :) i wish to be with him asap :DD
May 15 2011 12:50 am to May 17 2011 1:34 pm
no communication for 60 hours and 44 minutes.
tulaley ako for 2 and half days. i did some stupid things pa nga. i ate cold rice fresh from our refrigerator wtf. i was so boggled and worried. hundreds of what ifs dominated my mind. i updated him of the hours passing by but i received no reply. forever sitting in front of our pc waiting for an update from him. forever checking my cellphone waiting for a text message from him. forever switching tabs from his tumblr to his facebook page. forever pressing F5. i was soo pathetic. HAHAHA. but it just made me realize one thing Ü the tears and lots of thinking spent are proofs that i love him! super depressed tlga ako. felt so incomplete. like naiiyak nlng ako pag bgla ko siyang naaalala. haha. parang nagbreak kame pero hindi naman kame. when he texted me yesterday, i jumped in great excitement and happiness! well, his message was just:
KRISTINE.
HAHA. idc how short it is but it really gave me hope. then i replied “JERWIN!”
after a couple of minutes i got this:
just want to say…
i’m sorry i hurt you
i didn’t mean to
i’m sorry i hurt you
i regret it, i do.
what i did, i regret
so lets make up and forget
cause you’ve already entered my heart
you’ll be here forever and ever
i love you! <3
i ssoooo blushed.screamed.jumped.smile.in short asdfghjkinikilig. it felt like nabunutan ng tinik. parang nanalo sa lotto. then i paused for like a minute. i prayed. then i told him that i love him too :)
we’re catching up. i really missed him a lot!! i promised myself to never make him feel that way again :) well, i guess its true that you will appreciate a person’s worth when she/he’s gone. so i’ll never let him go again! swear ♥
sad to say, all things got endings.
he can’t fight no more. i can’t force him either and i never won’t. if it’s his decision so be it. all people leave. all of them for everything’s ephemeral in this world. it hurts a lot and tears can’t withdraw the pain. though i may not love him much, i’ve given a part of myself too. now that he’s gone, i’m incomplete once again. fortunately, there’s always one guy who would never leave me neither leave you, it’s Him, our God :) maybe, it’s just His way of saving me from the wrong guy again or if not, it’s just a test of time for destiny to do it’s job.
8.22 pm : i received his reply at my question what boggles his mind, it goes like this:
” All about you, kasi pansin ko lagi ka nlang galit sakin eh at ako ang dahilan. i just want to make you smile but i can’t and i hate that. ur not happy with me anymore cause i lack humor and you’re always mad at me. it hurts. i want to grow old with you but i think it’s not gonna happen =……( and now, i’m saying all of these because i want us to be friends nlng ^^ that’s all. i don’t want to have an enemy so i think its goodbye mahal na <3 and hello my friend ‘kristine’. Thank you for loving me and opening my heart. Thank you. ‘i love you’ as a friend mmwah! <//3”
at first, i was stoned. i told him to STFU. idk what to feel. but as i construct my text messages to him, tears just ran down my face. i don’t understand why he is hurt. we don’t fight/quarrel much and he always makes me happy. he just don’t know. :( goodmorning texts that lights up my day, goodnight texts that makes me feel safe :(((( why is it everytime i decided to devote all my attention to a person even though i hurt some people or risk my relationship with others just for them, they leave me?? i hate goodbyes. people always leave. they leave me alone. leave me behind. leave me broken. but i know, it’s just the bitter truth about life, ephemeral.
i got no plans of deleting this account. i put sooo much effort on this :) and i know the memories stored in it will never fail to give me smiles someday, someday. someday. so adios followers!! Thank you for accompanying me on my journey with him. take care and God bless! </3
9.00 am yesterday i was awaken by a phone call from abroad. the magic jack tone just blew my eardrums, i can’t just ignore it so i picked it up. loaded with my nonsense morning thoughts, i spoke nothing but “uhhh.. yeah. hmmm..” my aunts just decided to hang up.
i realized i was alone in our house. my mama went to the public market to buy our supplies for a week. we’d be transferring to project 4 today. i felt irritated seeing all the clutter on our dark closed house. i grabbed my cell phone to find relief from the couple of group messages i receive everyday. i expected some jokes, sweet pms or just religious thoughts. then i saw his name on the new events list - G. psyko.. the message read:
“Goodmorning my one n only <3
(happy monthsary)
:(
instead of relief, i found guilt. i don’t like the idea that i cause sadness to him or to any other person. however, i can’t risk my decision of putting us in this status because of that guilt. i am not impulsive anymore. i just asked him not to be sad. that’s all. i didn’t utter any word in connection with this to withdraw the stress. it left my mind for quite a while but at night i pondered on it. supposedly, it’d be our second monthsarry. time flies. the first month was just like yesterday. i can still recall everything in great detail -the excitement and the disappointment. well, nobody wants this kind of relationship; relationship wherein everything’s obscure, no formality, no assurance, no guarantee. i hate it but i got no choice. i feel sorry for him because i let him wait without my pledge.
though twenty-eight may still be a special day for us, i don’t want bitterness to dominate. i have been patient all the time to understand him and i’m glad he is too when it comes to this. :) may the days to come be filled with new memories and inspiration. past is experience. no regrets, no bitterness, just lessons learned :)
uprise (on my part)
20th of April my bestfriend and i talked. honestly, i am wholly bothered with my love life. I like jerwin. he is cute and adorable but sometimes he lacks humor. We are getting along very well. But i can’t kinda show my affection for him because of my friend. i always consider him. i don’t want him to be hurt because i know he loves me. unconsciously or not, i always cause him pain :( he is a very good friend almost like a boyfriend way back then. we talk for hours, laugh, and sing. i wonder why i didn’t fell. maybe because he is just a friend for me. I remember when i started to avoid that guy, i felt like i’m incomplete because every day of life, he used to be a part of it. But then after hours of thinking and praying, i knew what’s best for all of us. Though i miss him most of the times, it’d be regretful for me if i still continue that connection with my friend. i just give him heartaches. it’s kinda unfair too if i suppressed my intentions for jerwin. i feel so sorry for breaking someone’s heart but if i don’t mine would be suffocated. that old friend also deserves someone a lot better than me, somebody who would not hurt him. i hope and pray he finds his other half soon.
downfall but up again :)
i decided to disregard but not completely forget that old friend. diversion of attention to my prince charming and on us :) however on the night of april 23rd, i and jerwin got ourselves into a cliff. he gave up for several hours then redeemed that spirit again. i am no more a drama queen. :) after hours of thinking, i just let it passed, like nothing happened. i hope this time, he won’t give up because i am now sure that he’s the one :) i am just waiting for that right time, when i’d say that 3 words, 8 letter-phrase of a lifetime :) he said he can wait forever. we’ll see.
his text message was:
“sorry den madali akong gumive up kase habang tumatagal napapalayo ka saken eh, kaya gumawa na lang ako ng paraan para maging stable tayong dalawa at ndi sa kadahilanan na minamadali kita, ayaw ko lang na mawala ka saken :( “
i don’t know what to say, think nor feel. confusion devours me. but all i know now is when two people destined for each other parted their ways, fate will bring them to each other once again someday. someday. maybe someday.
i was so guilty a while ago. i made fun of him. since he got his new number, i kinda played as my mom asking him to stop courting me. he got sad. i wasss ssooo damn guilty. then he told me his love kinda decreased. i think it was so shallow and he is over reacting. i admit it’s my fault but hey is that relevant? >.< then he said goodnight by 10.30 and until now he is still online. i think he doesn’t wanna talk to me :((((
laslas./
